brain (2022)

5:43

16mm black and white film, hand processed and digitally edited.

In 2012 I had a question of if I should get some cognitive testing. I really struggled in high school (dropped out in 1997) and had trouble processing information, socially this awkwardness or disconnect felt like it was either autism or that I was broken. The cost out of pocket was impossible to pay, so I just let it go. Fast forward to my college years starting in 2017, I was surprised that I actually could keep up in college, but I had to work a lot more than most of my colleagues. I spent day and night in the tutoring room, and would lose sleep trying to get my homework done — writing, math, reading, chemistry — it was all really tough. At this point I felt like I wasn’t broken but there was something going on. I started to let my professors know that I might be on the spectrum but it was hard to tell, that I usually wouldn’t need any accommodations but if they notice me not keeping up it was probably that I was on the spectrum because I was intentionally give my studies full attention.

In 2022, I happened to get an insurance that covered the testing and scheduled it for December — this film was made in August of 2022 before I got tested. In January 2023 I got a call saying that I was diagnosed with ASD 1 and ADHD inattentive. I sobbed. It was good to hear but also the reality was potent. This film was made to try to express the way my brain seemed to work in multiple layers with breaks and difficulties yet somehow I was able to hold on. I go back to this film to get a feeling of what it was like before knowing for sure that I was neuro-divergent.

This film was 2 100 foot rolls, one in a bolex utilizing a graph and timed pixelization and variations in fps for all 4000 frames, and the second a bell and Howell filmed at 64 fps. The exposure was also pushed to experience the contrast of the surface of the water. I like to show this film as an installation piece, it can be show in various screen sizes and in many ways. I also like watching it on a big screen in the dark.